Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Breathe in, Breathe out

I need to calm down; to stop second guessing my every word and action. Cease being convinced that I'm one mistake from making Mr. Random run for the door. I know there is value in me. It's there. He knows it, too. Chill, BlinkBlink, darling, and enjoy the ride.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Open mouth, insert foot

Between the therapy and medication, I really thought I was gaining control over my anxiety. Now, I feel like the only change is that I am cognizant of the issue. I said one little thing to Mr. Random without thinking, and it quickly spun out of control. He was concerned about what I said, I was flipping about his concern and the fact that I was a colossal moron* to begin with. We finished watching our movie in near silence, then started a second one. All the while, my anxiety and fear were building to a fever pitch. By the time the second movie ended, I was a mass of nerves and worry. I couldn't sit still, I couldn't stop moving my hands around, and I couldn't stop talking or thinking. He teased me in his usual manner, and it was too much for me. I took something I know was a joke literally and had to leave the room. He heard me fighting back tears and followed me. I made him feel awkward, which made me feel worse, and I was rendered unable to talk except to stammer "I'm sorry." Obviously, he didn't know what to say in the face of an anxiety-hormone-insecurity riddled mess yet with my sniffling the only sound to punctuate the silence, my anxiety continued to build. I tried to explain that the issue was in my head, not based on anything he had done, even delving into what Generalized Anxiety Disorder is and how this lovely freak-out was symptomatic of it. He was supportive and asked some good questions, but ultimately he needed time to process the afternoon. We hugged and kissed goodbye and he left, assuring himself as he left that I was okay.

I'm tired of feeling like an insecure mess. He's more awesome than I can really process, and somewhere, not to far below the surface, I feel like I don't deserve him. Like I'm not good enough for him. I have to get this out of my head. I should be worried about whether or not he's good for me, not what I have to do to keep him. He texted this morning to check on me. He obviously likes me. Why can I believe all the wonderful things about him and none of them about me?

*my opinion at the time, not an actual accusation

Friday, January 8, 2010

Sparkling like a Cullen

Oh the weather outside is frightful, but Mr. Random is so delightful. I sent him a text saying "The snow is sparkling like diamonds. It is so beautiful." He replied "I know something more beautiful." Wow.

Monday, January 4, 2010

The New Guy

It's been four weeks and he's told his parents about me, so I guess I'm officially dating Mr. Random. I like spending time with him; he's funny and fun and warm. He has theories on life and relationships that keep me on my toes. So far these theories range from why men ask women to dance (to establish trust between the partners) to the recipe for a relationship (a solid base of friendship, several cups of laughter, four to five gallons of physical attraction, and enough time to bring it all together).

He was at my house yesterday when his mom called to tell him his grandfather had passed away. He's hurting, and I'm hurting for him. The funeral will be about four hours away, and I'm not sure if we're at the point where I should attend. I care about him a lot, and I hate the idea of the him making that drive alone. We share so many things about our lives, but being together when he got the news brought a new level of intimacy to the relationship and I'm not sure of my footing. I want to help, but I don't want to push. I want to give him space, but I want to be supportive. It's a balancing act, and I'm not the most graceful person under the best of circumstances.