Saturday, February 28, 2009

The Movie Kiss

Why is it that you can go to a movie and watch a pair of characters for two hours, wondering all the while why they would be together, yet get to the big kiss scene and still sigh? I just cringed my way through Confessions of Shopaholic. The books weren't really my cup of tea, but I was invited to see it with potential friends and thought "Ah, socialization and distraction. Awesome." It seems the older I get, though, the harder it is for me to watch people in awkward situations. I didn't find Becky's antics cutely amusing, but rather embarrassing. And since she didn't have the sense to be embarrassed for herself, I felt it more acutely. I caught myself watching for continuity errors, something I almost always avoid the first time I see a movie. It could be a passing thing, given my current romantic situation, but I found myself rolling my eyes at filmmakers' attempts to make the audience see the connection between the leads. But I still sighed a bit over that last kiss. Why? Perhaps because even though the story was weak, I still want to believe in a love that doesn't make sense to the rest of the world.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009


Ah, Facebook. I joined years ago when a college friend insisted I simply had to see a picture of one our professors shirtless. Who knew historians could be so buff? After that, I logged in only when I received an email saying I had a friend request. I didn't even have a profile picture until last summer and that was only because a friend posted pictures of the two of us at a concert and I thought "Why not?" Since the summer, I've used Facebook more and more, but today, I'm convinced it's the tool of the devil. It's not a way to find old high school friends (honestly, if I cared to keep in touch with them, I would have) or a fun place to go to kill time when you're bored at work. Nope, it's a modern road to heartbreak. Being able to see the interaction people around me are having, knowing I'm not a part of it, makes me feel like I'm a chubby, awkward, high school girl all over again.

I'm faced with status changes as he updates the world on what he is doing, though he so earnestly told me he needed time and was ignoring all of his friends. I see posts that make my chest hurt and send the blood rushing to my face, and I know I'm on the wrong side of that thin line between being understanding and being a doormat. He knows I can see these things; we've talked about Facebook before. Hell, I've commented on his page before. Is he mean? Selfish? Is he really dense enough to not think I see and process these things? He's begged me not to read in to things and over-think his actions. We haven't spoken in days (I can't get him to talk to me); what else am I supposed to do but assume?

Can you hold someone accountable for promises they never should have made?

Monday, February 9, 2009

Throwing Rocks

I'm almost 29 years old. Is there a point at which the other half of the human inhabitants of earth start to make sense or am I just out of luck? Will I be 95 years old, being chased around a nursing home by my siser, screaming "Boys are dumb! Throw rocks at 'em"? Of course, E will be 101 when I'm 95, so perhaps our conversations will be a little less articulate than that. I just don't get men. Never have. My dad's a mystery. My brother is...erratic and impossible to pin down. If I can't understand the two who are a part of me, what chance do I have with the other men of the world?

There's one I want to understand (isn't there always). Just when I think I'm getting a grip, he shifts - slippery little sucker. Just when I start to think I'll never get him (tangibly or otherwise), he slides back in, giving me a glimpse, keeping me anxious to be a part of his life. There are things I do understand about him, but understanding the why doesn't make the reality of our distance any easier. So, I guess the question is: will he help me understand before I have to be the one to turn away?