Thursday, November 26, 2009


I'm thankful for my own little house - my port in the storm. I'm thankful for my friends, my therapist, and even my fucked up family. I'm thankful this day is almost over.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Hope Springs Eternal

I'm in therapy for the third time in my life. Therapist #1 was convinced my mother was the root of my problems and didn't address the underlying depression that tempted me to drive my car off of a bridge. Therapist #2 had good insight, but was inexperienced and not clinically trained. After our sessions, I left her office tired and slightly weighed down by all the thoughts bouncing around in my brain. She left the practice a couple of months after I started seeing her and I decided not to see another person in the office. Therapist #3 has his PhD and specializes in Medical Psychological Consulting. He's interested in the root problems rather than treating the symptoms. I leave his office feeling lighter than when I went in. I'm less angry, less scared, and a lot more hopeful.

I have a new song I want to cling to: I Hope by the Dixie Chicks.
There must be a way to change what's going on
No, I don't have all the answers, but
I hope - For more love, more joy and laughter
I hope you'll have more than you'll ever need
I hope - There'll be more happy ever afters
I hope - We can all live more fearlessly
And we can lose all the pain and misery

I want to cling to hope. I want to change so many things. I want joy.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Heads or Tails?

For my parents' twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, I collected quarters from each of the 25 years they had been married and created a custom art piece for them. Dad loved it. He raved about the creativity and thoughtfulness it exhibited to his friends and colleagues. Apparently, the number twenty-five stuck with him more permanently than the marriage it represented. My father has been having an affair for over a year with a woman who was born when he was twenty-five. She is my age. After going home last night and telling mom he wanted to try to work on things, tonight he revealed the affair.

I'm angry. So very, very angry. This man is not my father. This is not the man who raised me.


I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but dad moved back in last night. He and mom are going to try to work on things.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Siser Synchronicity

E and I share a birthday. Really. We were both born on the 77th day of the year. It's one of those things that links us - something that helps us in our brain-sharing pursuits. However, given the astrology of having the same birthday, we experience things at the same times; highs, lows, and funks all happen at the same time. We're in a low right now. Not in our relationship, but in our lives. We're both subject to strong forces beyond our control. We're both spinning and confused and scared.

Siser, I want you to know that even though I am seeming very-self focused right now, you are on my mind. I love you and want nothing but the best for you. Sending all the positive energy I possess your way as you prepare for the days to come.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Sing! Sing a Song!

I like music. This is nothing revelatory - most people (with the exception of Bella in New Moon) have an affection for some type of melodic noise. What I don't know is if other people hear music differently depending upon their mood or what is happening in their lives.

S and I have broken up, and So Hard by the Dixie Chicks has struck a new chord with me. It's a song about infertility, but the lyrics just hit me - "Back when we started, we didn't know how hard it was...I try my best to be strong, but you know it's so hard. It's so hard when it doesn't come easy...So hard...Felt like a given, something a woman is born to do - a natural ambition to see a reflection of you and me...Could you be happy if life wasn't how we pictured it? Last night you told me you can't remember how to feel free. It's so hard..." God, it was so hard to end it - to know that love wasn't enough to make us work. As I type this, Love is All You Need is playing on my iTunes. Ironic. And wrong. Love isn't all you need.

Things have just all around sucked lately. Week one - S and I broke up. Week two - found out M's drinking had gotten out of control and he's attending AA, that mom and dad were having problems, and that mom's best friend sees a disparity in the way mom treats M and me, proving that is not all in my head. Week three - dad has moved out. What's coming in week four? Plague? I need distraction. Fun. Something new to focus on. If you can get past the very sad ASPCA commercial it is used in (and the unfortunate Nicholas Cage connection), Angel by Sarah McLachlan is a perfect song for me right now. Forgive me, but I need to insert the entire first verse so you can understand...
Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

I sat at home alone last night last night, patio doors open to draw in the cool autumn air. I'm sure the neighbors grew tired of hearing my faltering voice launch this song out into the night. I'm aching. I'm numb.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

24 Hours - UPDATED

My parents have called a family meeting for tomorrow night. In the almost thirty years of my life, we've never had a family meeting. In light of this week's revelations about that state of our family, I can think of two things that might be on the agenda.

1) With the economy the way it is, mom's job situation has been a little rocky. She's been fearing a lay-off and I guess that could have come to fruition.

2) My parents are divorcing. They've both told me it is a possibility.

Either way, this is not a good time to be out of Zoloft.

My parents are separated.