It's no secret that I've read the Twilight books. At the moment, I find myself envious of Bella. Not the whole mortal (and immortal) peril thing, but rather I envy her for having Jasper. Jazz, for those not in the know, is able to influence the moods of those around him. When Bella is anxious or panicky, he can whitewash the tension to give her some breathing room. What I wouldn't do for some old-school whitewashing. I'm a wreck.
Work is tense, and although the part-time assistant I hired is a god-send, I grate at sharing an office, especially with someone whose mind doesn't work quite like mine. I work hard, but it seems like things pile up nonetheless. Things are always due at the same time, making me feel like a hamster on a wheel to nowhere. I really enjoy my job, though. I like the people, I like the assignments, and I like the freedom.
My brother returns from rehab in 11 days. I've spent years being manipulated by his addictions, and I'm scared of the co-dependence that could envelope me upon his return. He wants to be my roommate in my new house so he'll have a family member to keep him accountable without chafing against the restrictions of living with his parents at the age of 25. I've told him no, which makes me feel mean, but I really feel like I've earned the right to live on my own. I don't want to be responsible for him - I tried that for a really long time when mom and dad refused to see how far gone he was. It's time for me to live my life. I told mom last night that both she and dad have broken promises they made to M when he started his program, and I feel like him seeing that when he comes home will plant seeds in his mind that he can't really do this. One little slip, and he could fall back into his old patterns. I know it sounds selfish, but I cannot take that again. I will not allow someone else's addiction to rule my life. I'm finally happy in Lexington. I don't want to leave, but I will if I have to.
This is the tricky part to express since S reads this blog. I honestly don't doubt that he loves me, and I feel very secure in our relationship. At the same time, it scares me. It's big and important and different than anything I've ever had before. I fear my inexperience.
I'm buying a freaking house.
And I'm living with my parents until then. Speaking of which...
Please keep my closing date on track so I can get out of my mother's house.
Hugs and kisses,