I'm Number One?

I meet with my therapist every other Tuesday, and each week is a revelation. The most recent one included me yelling, cursing, and, of course, crying. I left exhilarated and with a sense that it really is okay to make myself a priority in my life. It's not a secret that I constantly sublimate myself to address the needs of others, but I have also come to the realization that I have no idea of how to take care of BlinkBlink. Apparently mom isn't the only one who has neglected me. As my anxiety and depression improve through awareness and diligence, the next step is to learn how to take care of me so I am not weighed down by the very thought of trying.

It's scary to me to think that as I knock on thirty's door I still have so very much growth ahead of me. It's exciting, though, and I have to think this progress will only help me contribute in a healthy way to the relationships I hold so dear.

Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time

After the insanity of the last several months, I am actually looking forward to Christmas. Mom and dad are flirting with the idea of reconciliation, my brother is in love and facing life as an adult, and I'm genuinely happy. Things aren't perfect, but who needs boring old perfection, anyway? I have a great job, amazing friends, my own little house, and presents under the tree.

I'm not concerned with the presents I'll unwrap tomorrow morning. I'm more fixated on putting my new attitude to work when I'm with my family tonight. My insecurity often holds me back from them, and I've realized that I can seem snobby. My cousins may not ever be my best friends, but they really should get to see the real me rather than the girl who hides. This is my Christmas goal.

I'll leave work around noon today and I won't return until January 4th. I am looking forward to this recharging time, but I'm also eagerly anticipating the plans I've made. Tonight is the Christmas party for mom's family, tomorrow is dad's crew as well as our nuclear family Christmas. Early next week is a gift exchange with my dearest local friends, and I have an exciting evening planned for New Year's Eve. I'll be honest - that last one has me all in a tizzy. I have a date. He's someone I met on my latest foray into the online pool and, wow, the water is warm. It's new, but I can honestly say I'm excited about him. Being with him is easy. There's no stress, no worry, just an honest enjoyment of being together.

For all of my complaints of roller coasters and buckets of tears, 2009 has been a pretty good year. Ugh. I'm rhyming. Hate it when that happens. Anyway - I salute you, third decade of my life, and I can't wait to see what 2010 brings.

What's with all the water metaphors?

Oh, little blog, precious little nugget of loin fruit. How I've missed you. I've been avoiding posting here. In part because there is nothing new to say about my family insanity and in part because I've been afraid to post about one part of my life because I didn't want to hurt a certain reader. You know who you are, and I'm sorry if any of this stings. However, I've come to the conclusion that I need to be honest and authentic here, otherwise, I might as well delete the page and pretend BlinkBlink never existed.

S and I broke up - anyone who reads this blog knows that. We had our reasons, and the fact that we wanted different things from life is a biggie. Another reason, though, is that I didn't feel valued by S. I know he loved me, but he didn't love me the way I want to be loved. I didn't feel like I was a priority in his life. Therapy has helped me see that. And as I said one day on the doctor's couch, "I don't always feel valued by my mother. I'm sure as hell going to feel like I'm valuable to the person I spend the rest of my life with!" S didn't do anything wrong - we just didn't mesh on all the right levels in the end. I don't want to sound clinical, but I learned a lot from my time with him. I guess with each relationship, you learn more about what you want in the relationship.

I've decided to wade back in to the dating pool, and I'm trying to move slowly. I know how fickle the water can be.

Hope Springs Eternal

I'm in therapy for the third time in my life. Therapist #1 was convinced my mother was the root of my problems and didn't address the underlying depression that tempted me to drive my car off of a bridge. Therapist #2 had good insight, but was inexperienced and not clinically trained. After our sessions, I left her office tired and slightly weighed down by all the thoughts bouncing around in my brain. She left the practice a couple of months after I started seeing her and I decided not to see another person in the office. Therapist #3 has his PhD and specializes in Medical Psychological Consulting. He's interested in the root problems rather than treating the symptoms. I leave his office feeling lighter than when I went in. I'm less angry, less scared, and a lot more hopeful.

I have a new song I want to cling to: I Hope by the Dixie Chicks.
There must be a way to change what's going on
No, I don't have all the answers, but
I hope - For more love, more joy and laughter
I hope you'll have more than you'll ever need
I hope - There'll be more happy ever afters
I hope - We can all live more fearlessly
And we can lose all the pain and misery

I want to cling to hope. I want to change so many things. I want joy.

Peaceful, Easy Feeling

Modern medicine is an amazing thing. Two weeks ago, I saw my doctor to discuss treatment for depression and anxiety. I've been on medication since that day, and I'm already seeing a difference. It's in little things. When I say "I'm not going to worry about it" the statement is no longer tinged with desperation, but rather an ease in knowing I can let go. I can enjoy my happiness rather than waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know there will be days when things aren't so easy, but knowing I can handle the small stuff makes me confident I can tackle whatever comes.

Ernest Money

The offer is in for my first home. Again with the gagcoughvomit. The seller is to accept or counter by 10pm.

Gagcoughvomit.

Excuses

I'm a bad blog mommy. I've neglected this little nugget of loin fruit, and now I must make amends. Of course, I have good reasons (excuses) - a "vacation" I needed a vacation to recover from, that whole work thing, being in lurve with the fabulous S, and facing temporarily moving in with my parents (gagcoughvomit).

The Vacation
I journeyed through a fog of kamikaze bugs back to the homeland. Springfield, Missouri - third largest city in the state, mainstay of tornado alley, and buckle of the Bible belt. I saw friends, laughed a lot, and cried as I watched a friend graduate from college after a ten-year battle with higher education. I mourned the changes in the town of my youth, and reflected on the changes that have taken place in me since I left the town almost four years ago. I've grown up, moved on, and started to carve out my place in the world, but my roots are still buried deep in the Kickapoo Prairie.

Work
Oh, lordy, do I work. Not right now, of course, as I am celebrating the fact that I haven't been here since Friday by writing this post, but in general, I work hard. I have a part-time assistant now because I'm the proud owner of a PUMA. Ask me what that means sometime when I'm not on my work computer. I've learned a lot from the great and powerful Dooce.

I Heart S
I have a boyfriend. Na-na-na-na-na. He really impressed my momma (a cobra for all intents and purposes). Mom denies that she told my brother S is very nice and extremely attentive towards me, but she also maintains her "allergies" are what caused her to tear up at my college graduation, so I don't believe her for a minute. S is meeting the brother this weekend, and I can't wait.

Moving in with the 'rents
I have a good reason, I swear! No! This isn't like neglecting the blog, I promise. This is the best and possibly one of the ONLY good reasons for a 29 year old to move back home. I'm buying a house! The lease is up on my apartment the end of May, and I can't close on a house until at least mid-June, so I'm going to crash at mom and dad's in the interim. I hope to put an offer in on the house today, so more info on that to come.

I'll be back soon, but in the meantime, check out S's blog at blog.misterwiseguy.com. You'll be glad you did!