Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Sing! Sing a Song!

I like music. This is nothing revelatory - most people (with the exception of Bella in New Moon) have an affection for some type of melodic noise. What I don't know is if other people hear music differently depending upon their mood or what is happening in their lives.

S and I have broken up, and So Hard by the Dixie Chicks has struck a new chord with me. It's a song about infertility, but the lyrics just hit me - "Back when we started, we didn't know how hard it was...I try my best to be strong, but you know it's so hard. It's so hard when it doesn't come easy...So hard...Felt like a given, something a woman is born to do - a natural ambition to see a reflection of you and me...Could you be happy if life wasn't how we pictured it? Last night you told me you can't remember how to feel free. It's so hard..." God, it was so hard to end it - to know that love wasn't enough to make us work. As I type this, Love is All You Need is playing on my iTunes. Ironic. And wrong. Love isn't all you need.

Things have just all around sucked lately. Week one - S and I broke up. Week two - found out M's drinking had gotten out of control and he's attending AA, that mom and dad were having problems, and that mom's best friend sees a disparity in the way mom treats M and me, proving that is not all in my head. Week three - dad has moved out. What's coming in week four? Plague? I need distraction. Fun. Something new to focus on. If you can get past the very sad ASPCA commercial it is used in (and the unfortunate Nicholas Cage connection), Angel by Sarah McLachlan is a perfect song for me right now. Forgive me, but I need to insert the entire first verse so you can understand...
Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

I sat at home alone last night last night, patio doors open to draw in the cool autumn air. I'm sure the neighbors grew tired of hearing my faltering voice launch this song out into the night. I'm aching. I'm numb.

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